This is Ask Mary, an advice column dedicated to helping public sector leaders address common issues and challenges with grace, humility and wit.

In this column, MRG CEO and founding partner Mary Egan offers her unique perspective and wisdom honed over two decades of helping public agencies thrive. 

Dear Mary, 

I’m a City Manager in a Northern California city of ~100,000 people. I’m in my fourth year in this role, and the stress of the position is starting to take a toll on me. I’m stressed out about the challenges facing my city, our neighbors, and frankly the entire nation. I know that many of my staff are feeling similar stress, especially some of the department heads I oversee. I want our organization to prioritize honesty and openness as core values. I’m considering adding a “venting” session to our next leadership sync to let us get this stress out of our systems and voice these concerns in the open. What is the best way to facilitate this kind of conversation? 

Sincerely, 

Open and Honest 

***

Dear Open and Honest,

I have to be open and honest with you: I don’t think this is a good idea.

An executive leadership role comes with a great deal of stress. There’s truth to the phrase “It’s lonely at the top”. Many people in leadership positions experience what you describe. And you’re right that opening up about concerns and stresses can be a cathartic experience. But this is the wrong audience for that kind of disclosure.

It’s understandable why you might think your executive leadership team would be a good fit for this kind of vent session—they know your projects and might understand the specifics better than someone outside the organization. But there are so many reasons not to exercise this kind radical openness to your direct reports in a staff meeting:

• It confuses team dynamics
• It inhibits honesty
• It can be sudden, overwhelming, or triggering

What you need is a group of peer advisors who can hear your concerns and offer informed guidance without adding confusion to your team. A peer advisor is a tactical, agnostic person with whom you can share what’s going on. And it has to be someone who generally understands Council-City Manager forms of government. But they also should understand YOU: Your values, your circumstances, your stressors, or what your triggers are, and they should be able to help pull you off the ceiling when that’s necessary. These people are your kitchen cabinet.

A kitchen cabinet may include other City Managers, or a previous mentor in another agency. It could include an executive recruiter or a trusted advisor. But this kitchen cabinet is something that people usually begin to collect as they grow professionally and is something successful executives craft to ensure they have the appropriate space to process the sometimes-overwhelming position you are in.

By the time someone is in a City Manager position, many people have developed four or five trusted, wise advisors they can call on for a variety of reasons. These advisors don’t necessarily know each other or work as a team, but they offer particular skill sets and the ability to work through a unique type of problem. You may have an advisor that’s unique to the budget, or personnel issues, or strange Council dynamics.

I serve as a trusted advisor to dozens of local government executives who rely on me to bounce around ideas on a wide variety of topics.

We have on the MRG team people like Shirley Concolino, who many City Managers have relied on as a trusted advisor in her capacity as a very seasoned City Clerk, because she understands governance more than most City Managers ever will. Your kitchen cabinet can help you work through problems with people who can give you a different perspective and real-life advice.

Now, it could be that one of your department heads, or a member of your City Manager’s office, has become a trusted advisor. They’ve built up the calluses and the wherewithal and the confidence to be in this kitchen cabinet. That’s okay.

But I absolutely would never use your entire department head team as an impromptu kitchen cabinet. It’s unnerving, it’s unsettling, and it is also profoundly unprofessional. If information shared like this is paraphrased or shared and gets back to other department staff or to the City Council, it’s a little tremor that could lead to an earthquake.

So be careful. Your vent session could end up causing more stress than it solves.